In these past two weeks I’ve felt many a feeling. Many many feelings. I wasn’t expecting to, but I did. Big time.
I love teaching. I love working with children with SEN. I was looking forward to being with them again.
Oh, the guilt.
I got in my car to drive home after my first full day at work and it hit me like a waterfall… all over my face. I had such a wet face when I got home. Tears and snot. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought about my boys all day. I was super busy and consumed…. In something else. Not them.
I didn’t know how they were.
I didn’t know where they had been.
I didn’t know what they had eaten.
I didn’t know if they had drunk enough.
I didn’t know if they had napped.
I didn’t know if they had pood.
I didn’t know if they had been happy or sad or cross or bored.
All these things that I didn’t know flooded my brain and eyes and nose, and I was overwhelmed with not being their everything.
Normally, when I’m without them, I’m still thinking about them, I’m still checking my phone for updates regularly throughout the day, and I’m still available to drop everything and run to them if they need me. But at work… I’m teaching. I’m thinking about other people’s children all day. That’s going to take some getting used to.
My boys are with their grandparents while I work, and as they have been loved and regularly looked after by their grandparents all their lives, I know they are in very safe hands. However, I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that those hands weren’t mine.
I know it’s just first day jitters, but I thought first day jitters were about the job, not about what was happening at home!
Also… on my SAHM days, I look terrible. I don’t know about you, but the way I look, and smell are last on my list of priorities. I’d drop my son off at preschool in my pyjamas if it was socially acceptable.
But now I’m back to work…
I need to brush my hair!
I need to wear clothes that don’t involve leggings or baggy jumpers! Unbelievable!
I need to definitely definitely brush my teeth before lunch time!
I don’t have to wear makeup, but I’m afraid I’m not confident enough to go into work bare faced, so yes, I do have to wear makeup.
AND!! Before all of that…. I need to have a proper shower. Not one of those two second showers where I just wash my pits and bits. A real shower. Preferably without small boys at my feet.
I know I’ve just explained getting ready for work, but I haven’t done that for such a long time. And now, I have to do it alongside getting those two small boys ready for the day. All before 7.30am. How do people do it?!
Anyway. I’m sure I’ll get used to it all.
I feel for the parents who have to return to work too soon, before they’re ready. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. Rubbish probably. Really rubbish. And those that work full time! How do you do it all?!