“Mom Friends”

To me, “mom friends” are the new friends you make when you’re pregnant or a new mum. Often, people meet their “mom friends” during their NCT course, or at antenatal or baby classes. You connect over pregnancy, labour, babies, and motherhood in general.

I have no real “mom friends.”

After having my first son I assumed that all these new mums would come flocking towards me and want to be my besties. I’m enthusiastic, super nice and wonderfully self-deprecating. Every new mum’s dream, right?

Well, yeah, maybe, but it turned out that the ‘mum world’ I entered was a little cliquey, frosty, and judgemental for my liking.

I bottle fed.

My baby had a dummy from day 5.

I opted for all drugs available at the hospital when I was in labour.

And…. I asked my mum to take the first night shift! Shhhhhhh.

I caught on very quickly that my choices were not going to be well accepted within this new community. So, I avoided feeding my baby when we were out of the house, if he needed his dummy I’d skedaddle away from the other mums, and when asked about my birth story, I’d just say, “It went well enough, thanks.”

And if any of them found out about my mum taking the first night shift, I think they would have all collectively spat on me.

My own insecurities played a leading role in my failure to make new friends too, because of course, no one ever said anything against my parenting choices. However, I’ve been to school guys! I know what groups of girls are like! And it does not matter if you’re 11, 30 or 70. Girls are mean. Even when they don’t say a word.

It got to the point where I was even a little nervous about hanging out with my actual friends because I became acutely aware that my only topic of chat was “baby” (and none of them have babies). I convinced myself they found me boring.

Then my second son came along, and things were different. I still didn’t make any “mom friends”. I took the pressure off and accepted that making new friends wasn’t working out for me. One of my proper friends had a baby at the same time, so I scooped her up and made her come swimming with us every weekend. We got to talk all things baby, so I didn’t feel boring, and as she was already my friend, she happily accepted all the mum I was, and still does 😊 (thanks, Mrs M).

But I mainly want to talk about BG.

The Importance of BG.

We were work friends and then proper friends and now proper friends with kids.

Our children are similar ages and are going through similar things and its absolute heaven to have her. I didn’t quite realise The Importance of BG until we both had our second babies. After we had our firsts, I was stuck in my social anxiety trap, but those second babies changed it all for me.

Not only are we going through these stages of motherhood at the same time, but we are also mums/mams (she’s Welsh) on the same wavelength. We don’t always make the same choices, but we give each other the OK and the confidence to be the mothers we are. That’s all I need.

Motherhood is rammed with guilt, so having a friend who says, ‘me too, don’t worry,’ makes it all a bit better.

We try and hang out once a week, and when I say hang out, I mean feed, change, tell off, chat to and play with our own children whilst sitting next to each other. We probably manage to have one conversation during a playdate, and that conversation will happen in 30 second bursts over an hour and a half. So, we have a five-minute chat, collectively.

My son considers her daughter his sister, who he calls a lot on his toy remote control. Her daughter considers my son both a good friend and an absolute irritant. They like to play stepping-stones and shout each other’s names when they are at either side of soft play. Our babies smile at, grab and ignore each other on a loop whenever they’re together. Sometimes it’s easy(ish), sometimes it isn’t, and that’s OK.

We text when we’re struggling and need the other to say, ‘me too, don’t worry.’

Here is a selection of texts we have sent to each other over the past few months (just light-hearted, comical texts between friends, not statements). Of course, there are lots of, “Thanks babes, you’re the best,” and “I appreciate you, mate” type texts mixed in the middle of all of these, but these are the ones that keep us going:

“She’s just being a dick. They’re all dicks sometimes.”

“It’s relentless and exhausting and emotional and rubbish.”

“Toddlers are psychopaths.”

“It’s not too bad, I’ve got a chocolate orange.”

“I need to talk baby meals, nap co-ordinating the kids, and various other boring mum-stuff.”

“I know I haven’t had enough sleep when I’m crying at ‘Spirit’!”

“We will never handle it with two toddlers and two babies on the move.”

“I don’t think my moon cup is working.”

“Feel free to come over this afternoon, we’re having cool bubble machine fun.”

“Right, I need a talking to, or for you to just agree with me.”

“He watched TWO movies yesterday. That’s nearly 3 hours of TV.”

“God, I’m not sure I could do it this time round, with 2 of them. Hell on Earth. You’re superwoman.”

“Some moments I’ve felt like superwoman and other times I’ve just felt like a smelly, messy slob x”

“Tell them to go and eat a bag of dicks.”

“I’m just gonna angry clean to get it all out.”

“Yes – the slow shove! Why do they do that?”

“I’m pretty sure we go between thinking they’re psychopaths and angels a million times a day.”

So, to those of you who haven’t quite managed to go for that coffee with Katie from Music Tots, or plucked up the courage to talk to the gaggle of pregnant women at your yoga class. Don’t worry too much. Someone will come along. It may take a while, but it’ll happen.

I was the first out of all my friends to have children, and now, more and more of them are joining me and it’s a wonderful thing.

In my most rubbish moments, I text BG and she makes me feel less alone and less rubbish and I’m pretty sure I do that for her. We get to celebrate the good moments together too. I mean, they tend to be less often, but they do happen every now and then!

Published by The Mum Daze

I’m Kelly. I’m 34 and I am a primary school teacher (when I’m not mumming). I live in a thin, tall house with my thinnish, quite tall husband and two beautiful boys. I love writing, and am trying to keep it up so I can keep a piece of me.

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